A Moment of Horrified Silence

Ah Gentle Reader, today we encounter our Intrepid Heroine as she realizes it is the last sunny day but one before an entire week of Autumn rains. What does this say to her? Time To Paint, of course!

Having already patiently primed the porch rails and washed off the upper boards, Our Intrepid Heroine at last turns her attention to the object she has been waiting for--yes, Trim Paint! That soft and lovely vanilla cream color, all satiny in the can, oh anticipation, you are about to be fulfilled!

And so Our Intrepid Heroine gathers a spiffy brand new paintbrush, the plastic pouring lid *one size fits all gallons* and a gallon of paint, and trundles them outside along with the doglet. Fastening the doglet's leash to an out-of-the-way rail, she sets to with great excitement, and Opens The Can, then places the plastic pouring li... *ahem* then places the plast... well, it seems that "one size fits all" is no more true for gallon cans than for clothing!

Placing the plastic pouring lid aside for later Return and Exchange, Our Intrepid Heroine gazes adoringly into the paint can.

Well.

Acrylic paint certainly separates more than oil-based paint, Gentle Reader, but being Intrepid, Our Heroine stirs with a will *and a paint stick* until she has the most amazing, creamy, so-thick-the-paint-stick-stands-completely-upright-in-it, delicious looking creamy paint... almost, she thinks, like frosting, and she cannot wait to try it out!

Ahhhhh... feel the glide of the paintbrush, smoothing that luscious Trim Paint over the primer coat. Ahhhhh... see the gloss of the paint as it melds together. Ahhhhh... enjoy the rhythm of the work, so much easier than the primer was.

What's this? It seems, Gentle Reader, that we have come already to the rail where the doglet is! That's alright; we'll go around her. Painting merrily, we make great headway around the porch, until a neighbor stops by to say hello. Oops! It seems the doglet is not pleased with his presence. Ooops! It seems the leash goes farther than we thought. Oooooops! It seems we have some 'splainin' to do, Lucy! Our intrepid heroine grabs a handy painting towel!

Excuse us, Gentle Reader, we shall be right back.

Ahem, now, where were we? Ah yes, the smearily spotted doglet is now unhappily barricaded on the other side of the front door. Thinking to herself that she might as well have done it in the first place, Our Intrepid heroine has now painted the area formerly left undone in order to prevent the spotting of doglets. Hrumph.

Ahhhhh... but see how the paint has covered the wood! See all the progress! See how it looks just like....

Er. Just like....

Um.

Notice, Gentle Reader, that after the multiple coats of Patient Oil-based Priming, and the smooth application of lovely satiny Acrylic Trim Paint, Our Intrepid Heroine has successfully turned her natural, rough-cut cedar porch rails into... yes.... wait for it.... oh yes indeed..... vinyl siding.

There will be no pictures of this miracle of modern science today, Gentle Reader, because Our Intrepid Heroine refuses to let go her forlorn hope that possibly the paint will do as acrylic paint so often does, and change colors as it cures.

And now if you will excuse us, Gentle Reader, Our Intrepid heroine has a headache and is going to go lay down.

That Glue-torial I mentioned :-)

This is addictive, yanno. I find myself thinking about all the different things I can do with this technique. All it takes is an easily recognizable silhouette...

...like this fig, or these leaves. I forgot to take pics before I glued the fig together, so I will show you with a leaf. Oh, notice the wire fig-shaped framework? If you are using paper bags for this craft, you need a shaped wire like that for the bigger pieces. Since I am using chipboard (which doesn't flop about once you put glue on it), I had to use a wire right down the midddle, though; chipboard *doesn't* mold itself around wire and the framework showed very dramatically. I was surprised the center wire worked!

Make sure you have mirror images.

Bend the wire just a little to be more "leaf-like" if you wish. (The fig wire was not bent.)

Get out your fancy glue palette. *grin* Notice the lil ball of dried glue near the stem? It made wonderful texture when I was ready to glue the fig.


Spread some on and stick everything together. Line up the edges as best you can.


I think they look like little curtain rods with finials... okay, back to the fig. Now that it is glued together and dried, spread a generous coating of glue on both sides. This is messy; quite honestly, it works best for me if I spread the glue with my fingers. I made use of that lil ball of dried glue to put in some texture lines. Then, while the glue was still wet (it gives the best texture to do this with wet glue), I lit a taper candle and ran the fig through the tip of the flame. It sizzled, it crackled, it burned, it made smoke... and it made soot, oh yeah baby!

A good beginning....

You can stop here; the cardboard underneath will show through those light spots. I chose to keep burning, keep painting with flame and soot, until the fig was truly black from it.

It doesn't show very much, but the fig itself did catch fire and I had to repeatedly shake it back out. This is part and parcel of glue burning. Sometimes the glue catches fire, sometimes the paper bag or chipboard box beneath it catches fire. You can minimize it by being certain that you get a good coating of glue on all edges, but a burnt edge is actually good.

If you are using paper, your ornament may very well droop terribly as you burn the glue. Not to worry--just turn it over and burn the other side. As it starts to droop, flip it again, and repeat until you've burnt the ornament as much as you like.

Be sure you use a tall taper, so you don't automatically have to hunch over to see what you're doing. That way pain lies, lol...

Now it's time to wipe the soot off. I used that most high-tech of inventions: a wadded paper towel. Here, tis easy to see on the leaf.

See the contrast? The leaf is fully wiped off and the fig hasn't been started yet.

Ahhh, there we go, wiped off on both sides.

Next step: cut the wire to size and file the end smooth. I used an inexpensive jewelry file for this, because it was small and easy for me to control.

Bend a loop to be the hook. (The "drawing" is actually some of those wadded and well-used paper towels--YOU know, the high tech soot remover gadget.)

Follow the pics....






Now that the soot is wiped off the hook--and the "stem" is darker from being burnt twice--tis time to paint. The colors I chose were Metallic Amethyst, Metallic Pure Gold, and Metallic Copper. I dabbed them on and then smeared them around with my high tech painting tool, one color at a time at first and then multiple colors at a time, until I liked the way they looked.








Remember to paint the hook too. Notice fancy pants high tech painting tool at upper left. *grin*

Finished! This fig went to the person who inspired it, my friend who owns an antique store called... Fig. *grin*